I have returned!!!

Well, I came back wednesday morning. I just haven't blogged until now. The hospital did NOTHING for me, except almost getting me hooked on methadone. Why you would ever give methadone to someone who only had POT in their system is BEYOND ME. To make a long story short, I withdrew from methadone at my friends house, crippling the effects of the poison leaving my body with copious amounts of beer and weed. The doctors twisted my arm into doing the very thing they were trying to prevent. The next day I recovered from that at home, cowering from the light underneath many blankets and pillows. Today I shook off everything and went about my day, counting numbers in my head and growing more and more disappointed in myself. So I went on a brief search for guidance on how to make myself content with my life again, but the search was in a very small sea of jagermeister, and my search almost ended at the bottom of the bottle, but then it brought me to the bedroom of a friend. There I wrestled with concepts, and the war between pleasure and conscious thought was waged.

I have come to the conclusion that I need my power back. It is simply too much to try to overcome trauma, and force myself to give up that which keeps me sane at the same time. Counting and subtracting are the ways of my life, it has been this way for years. Watching the numbers grow smaller with each passing day gives me something to be proud of, something to work for, something to like about myself. Control. Power... and vanity. The more looks and cat calls and glamor, the brighter Sunshine is. When the Sunshine is flooding down, I can be happy. I have gone back to Sunshine for guidance yet again. This time I might make her proud. I have the tools; make-up, flattering clothing, shoes tall enough to be considered serious safety risks, and my mathematical skill. Once again I strive to subtract. Let's get cracking, I put on weight in the hospital.
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Weight Lost - 16.5lbs
Height - 5'5"
Start - 125
CW - 128
BMI - 21.2
GW1 - 115
GW2 - 105
GW3 - 101

So today

Is a good day. :) I had to give up on my ABCs... Still not thrilled with that. But as it turns out, the guy I've (silently) had a thing for for YEARS, has silently had a thing for me too. But I'm checking in to a hospital (for non ED stuffs) on monday. I also got a new industrial album today. It's pretty sick. And I'm moving back in with my mom when I get out of the hospital!!! And I'll have my own room :D

Also, should I make my ED facebook before or after I get out of the hospital? Does anyone have an experience with these?

Look at that!

I have followers?! HI FOLLOWERS!!! Holy shit that means someone has actually read my blog. That's a first. That being said, I do answer questions, help people find information they can't for some reason, provide support. Just lemme know if any of you ever need anything (even if you don't follow you can still shoot me a message).

So I decided...

I'm going to stop the ABC and just focus on eating as little as possible for a while. I have a LOT to think about, and I can't afford to risk my son for the sake of my addiction. When I was pregnant, I was able to ignore our friend for the sake of my son and I need to do that again now. While I'm not pregnant, I could jeopardize my son with this. I can't hide when I'm being watched as closely as I am. I need to take a break. I don't WANT recovery, but I have to for a while...

Day 7 - 300 Calories

Fail. Fail fail fail.

Day 6 - 200 Calories

I'm doing really well today! I usually do my posts the next day, but I'm doing this now to keep track. I forgot to take my pill again today... But I did fine without it! :D
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Breakfast: n/a
Lunch: Soup I Made - 30
           Mini Pickle - 5
Dinner: 1 Slice of weight watchers bread - 40
            1 Slice of vegan cheese - 40
            Mini Pickle - 5
Snack: More Soup I Made - 30
Total: 150
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Weight Lost - 16.5lbs
Height - 5'5"
CW - 115.5
BMI - 19.1
GW - 101

Day 5 - 100 Calories

aI failed. Miserably. I ate so much food I'm not even gonna go into it. I'm bloated from too much sodium now though. Ughhh.

So this is it?

This is what my life comes down to. Sitting in the dark, on the floor of my grandmothers living room because my mom doesn't want to look at me. She throws me into the worst flashback of my LIFE and expects me to apologize for it. She's treating me like a criminal. I just want to fucking die, but we all saw a couple years back that I can't even kill myself right. So I'm not gonna waste my time trying. I'll just dream and hope and pray that I get hit by a bus or something.

She can have him. She can have my money. She can have everything...
She's already taken almost everything else I have.

I'm sick of...

being the family burden. I had a flashback last night in the middle of an argument with my mom and I was in and out the whole time. I stopped making any sense... I locked myself in my brothers closet and my grandfather was in my brothers room fixing the wall. My grandfather told me that I was in there for like 20 minutes crying "no no, please, i won't do it again, no, i'm sorry". He also said he tried to tell my mom that he didn't think I was all there, that he thought I had blacked out or something. But apparently she thinks I was trying to use my PTSD as an excuse.

I know I said some fucked up shit to my mom, I remember a lot of it. But I was scared and furious and confused so I was just saying anything I could think of. Now she'll only refer to me as her "room mate" and told me that if I can't pay half the bills that she's gonna take me to court for custody of my son and kick me out. All because of my fucking stupid no-good PTSD. I spent four years trying to pretend it doesn't exist, and the last 8 months I've finally been in treatment for it. But I lost my therapist two months ago and I'm trying to fend for myself and it's not working. It's gonna end up ruining my life.

Day 4 - 400

I finally got to weigh myself. I decided to make it really count so I stripped for it. 115.5!! That means I've gone down 16.5 pounds in two weeks (I had a doctors appointment two weeks ago). I'M FINALLY GONNA DO IT YOU GUYS!
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Breakfast:1 Rezolution Tab
Lunch: Diet Peach Snapple - 8
Dinner: 1 cup Panera Organic Lentil Soup - 150
            1/2 baked potato - 80
            Lipton Diet Green Tea - 0
Total: 238

Calories burned: 80
_____________________________________
Weight Lost - 16.5lbs
Height - 5'5"
CW - 115.5
BMI - 19.1
GW - 101

Day 3 - 300 Calories

I went grocery shopping today. I'm happy with the foods I bought. I'm LOVING the Rezolution shit. I'm full of energy, and never hungry. Not even cravings. Still no chance to weigh myself. I'm going to my nana's house tomorrow, so I'll do it while I'm there.
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Breakfast: 2 Rezolution Tablets
                   up&up Children's Multivitamins - 22
                   Cabot 75% Reduced fat Sharp cheese - 60
Lunch: None
Dinner: 1 cup of Dannon Light & Fit Toasted Coconut Vanilla - 80
                         Diet Peach Snapple - 8
Late Snack: Rice cake (35) with 1 tbs of pasta sauce (25) - 60
                   Mini Pickle - 5
Total -235

Calories Burned - 620
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Weight Lost - n/a
Height - 5'5"
CW - 132 (assuming no change)
BMI - 21.9
GW - 101

Day 2 - 500 Calories

Big fuck up. 1225 calories. I got dragged to McDonalds (we were already in his car, I couldn't get out of it). He wouldn't let me leave his car until I ate a Mcflirry and a small fry. I threw as much of it up as I could 15 minutes later when I got home, but he doesn't know that. I feel weird though... IT WAS SOOOO GOOD.

But I burned 842 calories.
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Weight Lost - n/a
Height - 5'5"
CW - 132 (assuming no change)
BMI - 21.9
GW - 101

Day 1 - 500 Calories

I slipped up a bit. First day mess-up. I worked out enough to make up for the 93 calorie fuckup. But I won't know because we STILL don't have a scale. I conned my mom into buying one for me on the 15th. :)
____________________________
Breakfast: 2 Rezolution tablets - 0
Lunch: None
Dinner: Grilled Cheese - 351
            Tomato Soup - 242
Total - 593

Calories Burned - 842
____________________________
Weight Lost - n/a
Height - 5'5"
CW - 132 (assuming no change)
BMI - 21.9
GW - 101

I'm starting ABC on Tuesday. I'm nervous, but amped at the same time. I have a buddy for it, though...

Weight Lost - 0lbs
Height - 5'5"
CW - 132
BMI - 21.9
GW - 101