Friday, April 15, 2011

I have returned!!!

Well, I came back wednesday morning. I just haven't blogged until now. The hospital did NOTHING for me, except almost getting me hooked on methadone. Why you would ever give methadone to someone who only had POT in their system is BEYOND ME. To make a long story short, I withdrew from methadone at my friends house, crippling the effects of the poison leaving my body with copious amounts of beer and weed. The doctors twisted my arm into doing the very thing they were trying to prevent. The next day I recovered from that at home, cowering from the light underneath many blankets and pillows. Today I shook off everything and went about my day, counting numbers in my head and growing more and more disappointed in myself. So I went on a brief search for guidance on how to make myself content with my life again, but the search was in a very small sea of jagermeister, and my search almost ended at the bottom of the bottle, but then it brought me to the bedroom of a friend. There I wrestled with concepts, and the war between pleasure and conscious thought was waged.

I have come to the conclusion that I need my power back. It is simply too much to try to overcome trauma, and force myself to give up that which keeps me sane at the same time. Counting and subtracting are the ways of my life, it has been this way for years. Watching the numbers grow smaller with each passing day gives me something to be proud of, something to work for, something to like about myself. Control. Power... and vanity. The more looks and cat calls and glamor, the brighter Sunshine is. When the Sunshine is flooding down, I can be happy. I have gone back to Sunshine for guidance yet again. This time I might make her proud. I have the tools; make-up, flattering clothing, shoes tall enough to be considered serious safety risks, and my mathematical skill. Once again I strive to subtract. Let's get cracking, I put on weight in the hospital.
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Weight Lost - 16.5lbs
Height - 5'5"
Start - 125
CW - 128
BMI - 21.2
GW1 - 115
GW2 - 105
GW3 - 101

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