I have returned!!!

Well, I came back wednesday morning. I just haven't blogged until now. The hospital did NOTHING for me, except almost getting me hooked on methadone. Why you would ever give methadone to someone who only had POT in their system is BEYOND ME. To make a long story short, I withdrew from methadone at my friends house, crippling the effects of the poison leaving my body with copious amounts of beer and weed. The doctors twisted my arm into doing the very thing they were trying to prevent. The next day I recovered from that at home, cowering from the light underneath many blankets and pillows. Today I shook off everything and went about my day, counting numbers in my head and growing more and more disappointed in myself. So I went on a brief search for guidance on how to make myself content with my life again, but the search was in a very small sea of jagermeister, and my search almost ended at the bottom of the bottle, but then it brought me to the bedroom of a friend. There I wrestled with concepts, and the war between pleasure and conscious thought was waged.

I have come to the conclusion that I need my power back. It is simply too much to try to overcome trauma, and force myself to give up that which keeps me sane at the same time. Counting and subtracting are the ways of my life, it has been this way for years. Watching the numbers grow smaller with each passing day gives me something to be proud of, something to work for, something to like about myself. Control. Power... and vanity. The more looks and cat calls and glamor, the brighter Sunshine is. When the Sunshine is flooding down, I can be happy. I have gone back to Sunshine for guidance yet again. This time I might make her proud. I have the tools; make-up, flattering clothing, shoes tall enough to be considered serious safety risks, and my mathematical skill. Once again I strive to subtract. Let's get cracking, I put on weight in the hospital.
_______________________________________________________
Weight Lost - 16.5lbs
Height - 5'5"
Start - 125
CW - 128
BMI - 21.2
GW1 - 115
GW2 - 105
GW3 - 101

So today

Is a good day. :) I had to give up on my ABCs... Still not thrilled with that. But as it turns out, the guy I've (silently) had a thing for for YEARS, has silently had a thing for me too. But I'm checking in to a hospital (for non ED stuffs) on monday. I also got a new industrial album today. It's pretty sick. And I'm moving back in with my mom when I get out of the hospital!!! And I'll have my own room :D

Also, should I make my ED facebook before or after I get out of the hospital? Does anyone have an experience with these?

Look at that!

I have followers?! HI FOLLOWERS!!! Holy shit that means someone has actually read my blog. That's a first. That being said, I do answer questions, help people find information they can't for some reason, provide support. Just lemme know if any of you ever need anything (even if you don't follow you can still shoot me a message).

So I decided...

I'm going to stop the ABC and just focus on eating as little as possible for a while. I have a LOT to think about, and I can't afford to risk my son for the sake of my addiction. When I was pregnant, I was able to ignore our friend for the sake of my son and I need to do that again now. While I'm not pregnant, I could jeopardize my son with this. I can't hide when I'm being watched as closely as I am. I need to take a break. I don't WANT recovery, but I have to for a while...

Day 7 - 300 Calories

Fail. Fail fail fail.

Day 6 - 200 Calories

I'm doing really well today! I usually do my posts the next day, but I'm doing this now to keep track. I forgot to take my pill again today... But I did fine without it! :D
______________________________
Breakfast: n/a
Lunch: Soup I Made - 30
           Mini Pickle - 5
Dinner: 1 Slice of weight watchers bread - 40
            1 Slice of vegan cheese - 40
            Mini Pickle - 5
Snack: More Soup I Made - 30
Total: 150
______________________________
Weight Lost - 16.5lbs
Height - 5'5"
CW - 115.5
BMI - 19.1
GW - 101

Day 5 - 100 Calories

aI failed. Miserably. I ate so much food I'm not even gonna go into it. I'm bloated from too much sodium now though. Ughhh.